Tee Hee - Golf humour and quotations

Jokes

Sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Where did the word 'golf' come from?

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The compassionate golfer

2 men playing Golf when a hearse passed by. George doffed his cap, folded his arm across his chest and bowed his head in respect.

His mate Bill was amazed! "George" he said "in all the years I have known you I have never before seen you show any sign of compassion or emotion!".

"I thought I ought to" said George " After all I was married to her for 30 years!".

Death of a golfer

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the
forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Never miss a game

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Orbituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."

50th Anniversary

To celebrate their 50 years, they booked a weekend at Pebble Beach. On the third tee, the husband said: "Honey, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."

The wife was hurt but said, "My dearest, those days are long gone. What we have is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband: "Honey, since we're being honest I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change. I was a man before we met."

The husband went into a fit! He cursed, threw his driver into the water, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable liar! How could you? I trusted you! And to think that you've been hitting off the red tees all this time!

A strange sport

A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

The tree

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lain. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Confession

A man and a woman meet at a single's resort and become infatuated with one another. The man decides that he doesn't want to foil this relationship, so he will be honest with the lady. "I have to tell you the truth, I have a problem."
"What is it?" the woman asks.
"I'm obsessed with golf. I have to play at least twice a week or I am not happy."
"Since you are being so honest I will tell you something about myself. I am a hooker." The man kept silent for a minute and the woman was worried that she had offended him. He then said, "Have you thought about changing your grip?"

Never play a round

There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday.

One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them.  The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."  So they teed off.

About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living.  So they asked him.  The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.  The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman.  My gun is in my golf bag.  I carry it everywhere.  You can take a look at it if you'd like." So one of the friends decided to check it out.  He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached to it.  He got allexcited and said, "WOW!  I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?". The hitman replied, "Sure." So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH!  I can see my house!  I can even see through the windows into my bedroom.  There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful?  WAIT!  There's my next-door neighbor!  And he's naked too!". This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy responded, "One thousand dollars every time you pull the trigger? Well, okay.  I want two hits.  I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth.  She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it.  Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for messing around with my wife." The hitman agreed.  He geared up and looked through the scope.  He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "Well, what are you waiting for?" The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!".

Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood.". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Corporate Sport

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Engineers on the course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" 

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." 

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Observations

Thanks, Andy, for the following observations on 'The real, true and un-exaggerated rules of golf':

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600mph.

26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Quotes

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.
Bob Hope

When lightning struck:
There was a thunderous crack like canon fire and suddenly I was lifted a foot and a half off the ground...Damn, I thought to myself, this is helluva penalty for slow play.
Lee Trevino

Even when times were good, I realised that my earning power as a professional depended on too many ifs and putts.
Alistaire Cooke

At first a golfer excuses a dismal performance by claiming bad lies. With experience, he covers up with better ones.
P Brown

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18
years of dealing with him across a desk.
Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf
players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one
is playing golf.
Robert Lynd

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf
would be played far better than it is.
Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated
than that.
Gardner Dickinson

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I
have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get
so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
Will Rogers

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club,
they'd starve to death.
Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
William Wordsworth

What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of
a good drive.
Arnold Palmer

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things
with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining
the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an
insult to lawns.
National Lampoon

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
G.K. Chesterton

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you,
down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it
up.
Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when
he makes a hole in one.
Author Unknown

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up
sliced.
Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing... the rest I've just wasted.
Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.
Raymond Floyd

My handicap? Woods and irons.
Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick
on top.
Pete Dye

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they
are out having fun.
Jim Bishop

I'm hitting the woods just great... but having a terrible time getting out
of them!
Author Unknown

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
Gerald Ford

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard
cues were allowed on the putting green.
Ernest Hemingway

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined
to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball.
Jack Lemmon

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
Joe E. Lewis

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill
adapted for the purpose.
Woodrow Wilson

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures... and not in still waters. ~Author
Unknown

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie.
George Carlin

Why anybody designed a game where you stand at ninety degrees to the ball and try to get it to go ninety degrees to the direction you're looking seems to me extraordinary... 
HRH The Duke of York

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain

The difference between a sand trap and water is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash.
Bobby Jones

In a competition at Peace Haven, Sussex, England in 1890, A.J.Lewis had 156 putts on one green without holing out.
Donald Steel from The Guinness Book of Golf Facts and Feats

You've just one problem. You stand too close to the ball - after you've hit it.
Sam Snead

Golfball: a sphere made of rubber bands wound up about half as tensely as the man trying to hit it.
Anonymous

Handicap: an allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course.
Henry Beard & Roy McKie

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